A couple nights ago I had a dream that kinda made me start thinking. Part of me wants that dream to come true, but I know that right now would not be the right time.
I dreamed I had a baby boy and I was already married to the love of my life, my now fiance. We were moving into an apartment that had a pool, so it was a rather nice apartment. I dreamed I lounged on our sofa and played with my little boy.
Our wedding will be a long way off, unfortunately, because right now tying the knot would make life so much more stressful for us, rather than enjoyable. I desperately wish we were in the financial position to be able to afford nuptials and the life attached, but I can't ignore the situations we're in. I still have no car and I'm a full time student trying to pay for college without getting loans. He is trying to pay off bills from a school he left, but is unable to find a good job locally. A couple years ago he broke his left femur and now has a titanium rod from knee to hip and causes him some pain. Because of that he's never been able to get his license or a car. It's frustrating and I can't help but feel helpless because there's really nothing I can do. I can only pray. And I do that frequently.
And I definitely know I'm not financially or emotionally ready for a child. I'm not even sure I want to bring a child into this world. Not with the state that it's in. I want to make sure that if and when I'm blessed with a child that I can provide that child with the life he or she deserves. Something better than what I had to deal with growing up. I want them to have a chance to actually BE a kid and enjoy youth while they can. Any good parent would want that for their children. I don't want to have them in a negative environment with yelling and fighting, and I want to be able to afford the things they need and the things they want.
Two...three years ago I told myself I never wanted children. But that was because I didn't think I would ever meet the man of my dreams. I wasn't very confident because of how I grew up, but it made me a stronger person because I know how hard life can be and I know I didn't have it as hard as others. Any abuse I ever was victim of was emotional. Now...I know my biological clock is ticking away. Many of my friends have already had a child...Some are married. I know right now that for me it would be a mistake to do either. I would ruin my remaining life and any resulting life...It would only strain the relationship that has pulled me out of the abyss...and right into the light. Right into pure bliss. I can only be slightly jealous for the time being, but jealousy is a natural emotion. However I'm not going to let it control me. I hope it'll happen one day. I'm quite confident that it will when we're both ready.
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