Weird Dreams and Hopes

A couple nights ago I had a dream that kinda made me start thinking. Part of me wants that dream to come true, but I know that right now would not be the right time.

I dreamed I had a baby boy and I was already married to the love of my life, my now fiance. We were moving into an apartment that had a pool, so it was a rather nice apartment. I dreamed I lounged on our sofa and played with my little boy.

Our wedding will be a long way off, unfortunately, because right now tying the knot would make life so much more stressful for us, rather than enjoyable. I desperately wish we were in the financial position to be able to afford nuptials and the life attached, but I can't ignore the situations we're in. I still have no car and I'm a full time student trying to pay for college without getting loans. He is trying to pay off bills from a school he left, but is unable to find a good job locally. A couple years ago he broke his left femur and now has a titanium rod from knee to hip and causes him some pain. Because of that he's never been able to get his license or a car. It's frustrating and I can't help but feel helpless because there's really nothing I can do. I can only pray. And I do that frequently.

And I definitely know I'm not financially or emotionally ready for a child. I'm not even sure I want to bring a child into this world. Not with the state that it's in. I want to make sure that if and when I'm blessed with a child that I can provide that child with the life he or she deserves. Something better than what I had to deal with growing up. I want them to have a chance to actually BE a kid and enjoy youth while they can. Any good parent would want that for their children. I don't want to have them in a negative environment with yelling and fighting, and I want to be able to afford the things they need and the things they want.

Two...three years ago I told myself I never wanted children. But that was because I didn't think I would ever meet the man of my dreams. I wasn't very confident because of how I grew up, but it made me a stronger person because I know how hard life can be and I know I didn't have it as hard as others. Any abuse I ever was victim of was emotional. Now...I know my biological clock is ticking away. Many of my friends have already had a child...Some are married. I know right now that for me it would be a mistake to do either. I would ruin my remaining life and any resulting life...It would only strain the relationship that has pulled me out of the abyss...and right into the light. Right into pure bliss. I can only be slightly jealous for the time being, but jealousy is a natural emotion. However I'm not going to let it control me. I hope it'll happen one day. I'm quite confident that it will when we're both ready.

Another Ramble--No Substance At All

I'm just gonna ramble this time. Got some worries on my chest.
I need to get a job. Even better, I need to hurry up and go back to school, but I can't do that til August 16th. I'm kinda worried about my finances and all the financial aid I'm getting because I think my Honor's Scholarship isn't going to go through this year because I'm at a 2 year college and this will be my 3rd year. Taking it slow...I tried taking 19 hours my first semester and that drove me crazy. I've not taken more than 15 hours after that.

Anyway....I'm not sure how I'll be able to cover my dorm, tuition, and art supplies with just my PELL grant...it's a full PELL but after all that, naturally it's still not enough. I don't really want to take out a loan until I really have to...I'm hoping my work study (if I get it) will help pay for that, but I also need the money for food for my dorm, art supplies, and for my phone so I can keep in contact with my mother.

meh. I'm done. Not really, but I don't feel like typing about this anymore...